Positively Normal

Has it really been 2 months since I updated you all on what’s been going on?!

In a way, it is a good thing that I’ve been quiet… it means there has not been anything particularly eventful to report on. Life has been positively normal.

Just before Christmas, I had a CT Scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvis… my first proper scan since my N.E.D back in May. My previous check-up was a chest x-ray which just gives a brief overview of their concerned area.

I’m pleased to report that all is still continuing to be ok. There is obvious scarring where the tumours were and any “suspicious” nodules that they are concerned with, in particular, the left lung, still appear to be stable.

Stable = Normal

I think that is all I can ask for really when I get to this point. Stabilisation. It’s not an ideal situation but if I can stay this way from now on then at least it means I can lead a relatively normal life.

I asked my oncologist this time if it will get to a point that the gap between scans will increase. At the moment, I’m back for check-ups every 3 months and my only knowledge I have on cases like this is what I’ve picked up for film and tv, like everyone else I guess! I just want to be prepared for the day that she may tell me that the gap between scans will be extended. It may seem silly to you, but it’s my safety net. I may not like the 3 months wait each time but I sure do feel safe having it as opposed to waiting 6 months each time!

Well, it turns out I’m still that unusual case. She couldn’t really give me an answer. In all honesty, I don’t think she expected my N.E.D to continue for this long. I’m not really sure if I’m proud of that or scared… I mean, wahey! Go body! But also holy fuck there’s nothing they can go by.

What was the fucking point?

I’m in a funny place with myself at the moment. In a way, I don’t think I’ve ever been as confident or happy in myself, which is great. If cancer has given me one thing out of all this then I’m glad for that. However, I’m also questioning what the whole point of it all was.

I mean, there’s never really any point to cancer, is there? It chews up your entire life, spits it back out, stamps on it, gets a freight train and runs all over it again and again and again. It’s fucking horrible.

Tomorrow is my second anniversary since being diagnosed. Aside from the obvious — of actually (for the time being) getting one over cancer, I am in exactly the same position I was 2 years ago. If not, worse, because I’m pretty much forevermore, financially screwed because of it.

And I can’t tell you how much that actually pissed me off.

I am very lucky to get to this point in life. It is not often that you get to this position of having your life back after cancer. I’m well aware that I could be viewing a different outlook to life right now, or may even experience it again in the near future. I am extremely grateful for what I have achieved but you can’t help questioning the point to it all.

This time of year is a bit of a challenge at times. It’s hard not to dwell on what has been…

Come February, I’ll be a year free of treatment… so long as February’s chest x-ray comes back ok. This shit will still continue!

Building a Beauty Bus

In other news, I have acquired a Beauty Bus! Well, in all honesty, at the moment it is just a van but it will become the beauty bus with a bit of hard graft!

You may find it a bit difficult to see the vision I have in mind so I am hoping to vlog a bit more about it when the process begins.

Since my last scan results, I’ve started work again. It is only for a select few hours each week, it kind of sounds pathetic when I actually say to people how many! but It’s all part of the process of building my strength back up. I question if I’ll ever be able to get back to full-time work but I guess only time will tell. Fatigue is still a major issue for me, I can be fine one moment and the next I’ll hit a brick wall of tiredness and I’m done.

But really that is the whole point of my Beauty Bus venture. It’s not only to help others with cancer, but it’s to help me keep going too.

If you would like to donate to the beauty bus then you can do so here; please share too!

This post originally appeared on Happy Smiling Cancer Girl on January 9, 2019. It is republished with permission.